I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
