everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
