I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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