My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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