hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
