Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We just shotgunned beers for America
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
