My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Randomize
