Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
