it's like iHOP with fire
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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