I can text with my tongue
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
