I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
