new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
