nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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