either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
