you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
