if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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