oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
