the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
