I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Naked. naked and bneed help.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
