yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
