dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
