I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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