One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
