Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
