I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
