My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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