my phone needs a breathalizer
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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