just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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