I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
