He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
