He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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