Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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