Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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