you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
