When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
