Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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