only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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