Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
