theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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