im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
