matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
