Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
