FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
