I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
