if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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