I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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