Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
