Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
