well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
