do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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