I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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