Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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