What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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