i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
