I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
