i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
