My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
